Smart ones.............

One Night 4 college students were playing till late night and could not study for the test which was scheduled for the next day. In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tire of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.
So the Dean said they could have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked him and said they would be ready by that time.
On the third day they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.

The Test consisted of 2 questions with a total of 100 Marks.
Q.1. Your Name.......................... (2 MARKS)
Q.2. which tire burst? (98 MARKS)
a) Front Left
b) Front Right
c) Back Left
d) Back Right.....!!!

True story from IIT Bombay ...Batch 1992

Dudes!!! Got to be more careful...........

A Mom comes to visit her son Sukumar for dinner.....who lives with a room
mate, a girl named Sunita. During the course of the meal, his mother
couldn't help but notice how pretty Sukumar's roommate was.
She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and thishad
only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching
the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Sukumar
and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Sukumar
volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita
and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Sunita came to Sukumar saying, "Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver chutney (spices) jar.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Sukumar said,"Well, I doubt it, but
I'll email her, just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the chutney jar from my
house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the chutney Jar. But the fact
remainsthat it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love
Several days later, Sukumar received an email from his Mother which read
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sunita, and I'm not saying
that you 'do not' sleep with Sunita. But the fact remains that if she was
sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the chutney jar by now under
the pillow...
Love,
Mom.
Lesson of the day: Don't Lie to Your Mother...........especially if she is Indian!

The cause of Severe Recession

once upon a time a man was selling Hotdogs by the roadside. He was illiterate, so he never read newspapers. He was hard of hearing, so he never listened to the radio. His eyes were weak, so he never watched television. But enthusiastically, he sold lots of hotdogs. He was smart enough to offer some attractive schemes to increase his sales. His sales and profit went up. He ordered more a more raw material and buns and use to sale more. He recruited few more supporting staff to serve more customers.
He started offering home deliveries. Eventually he got himself a bigger and better stove. As his business was growing, the son, who had recently graduated from College, joined his father.
Then something strange happened. The son asked, "Dad, aren't you aware of the great recession that is coming our way?" The father replied, "No, but tell me about it." The son said, "The international situation is terrible.
The domestic situation is even worse. We should be prepared for the
coming bad times" The man thought that since his son had been to college, read the papers, listened to the radio and watching TV, he ought to know and his advice should not be taken lightly. So the next day onwards, the father cut down the his raw material order and buns, took down the colorful signboard, removed all the special schemes he was offering to the customers and was no longer as enthusiastic. He reduced his staff strength by giving layoffs.
Very soon, fewer and fewer people bothered to stop at his hotdog stand. And his sales started coming down rapidly, same is the profit. The father said to his son, " Son, you were right. We are in the middle of a recession and crisis. I am glad you warned me ahead of time." ??!!!

Its the same situation which prevails across the globe !!

It exactly explains how top management works......

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.

She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted:

'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am.'

The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'

'You must be an engineer,' said the balloonist.

'I am', replied the man. 'How did you know?'

'Well, answered the balloonist, 'everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost.

Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything you've delayed my trip even more.'

The man below responded, 'You must be in management.'

'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'

'Well,' said the man, 'You don't know where you are or where you're going.

You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.'

Introduction

A new teacher was getting to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father did for a living. The first little girl said: "My name is Mary and my Daddy is a postman." The next child, a little boy said: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic." And so it went until one little boy said: "My name is Johnny and my father is a striptease artist in a gay club." The teacher gasped and quickly changed the subject. Later, in the school yard, the teacher approached Little Johnny privately and asked if it was really true that his dad danced nude in a gay bar. Little Johnny blushed and said, "No, he's really a Business Development Director at Lehman Brothers, but I'm just too embarrassed to tell anyone."

North Indian Girl Vs South Indian Girl

******WHAT IT MEANS TO HAVE A North Indian GIRL as WIFE***********
1. At the time of marriage, a north Indian girl has more boyfriends than her age. 2. Before marriage, she looks almost like a bollywood heroine and after marriage you have to go around her twice to completely hug her. 3. By the time she professes her undevoted love to you, you are bankrupt because of the number of times you had to take her out to movie theatres and restaurants. And you wait longingly for her dowry. 4. The only dishes she can think of to cook is paneer butter masala, aloo sabji, aloo gobi sabji, aloo matar, aloo paneer, that after eating all those paneer and aloos you are either in the bed with chronic cholestrol or chronic gas disorder. 5. The only growth that you see later in your career is the rise in your monthly phone bill. 6. You are blinded by her love that you think that she is a blonde. Only later do you come to know that it is because of the mehandhi that she applies to cover her gray hair. 7. When you come home from office she is very busy watching "Kyonki saas bhi kabi bahu thi" that you either end up eating outside or cooking yourself. 8. You are a very "ESpecial" person to her. 9. She always thought that Madras is a state and covers the whole of south india until she met you. 10. When she says she is going to "work out" she means she is going to "! walk out" 11. She has greater number of relatives than the number of people you have in your home town. 12. The only two sentences in English that she knows are "Thank you" and "How are you" 13. She thinks Govinda can dance better than Michael Jackson.
******WHAT IT MEANS TO HAVE A South Indian GIRL as WIFE***********
1.Her mother looks down at you because you didn't study in IIT or Madras / Anna University . 2. Her father starts or ends every conversation with " ... I say..." 3. She shudders if you use four letter words. 4. She has long hair, neatly oiled and braided (The Dubai based Oil Well Company will negotiate with her on a 25 year contract to extract coconutoil from her hair.) 5. She uses the word 'Super' as her only superlative. 6. Her name is another name for a Goddess or a flower. 7. He! r first name is longer than your first name, middle name and surname combined (unless you are from Andhra) 8. When she mixes milk/curd and rice you are never sure whether it is for the Dog or for herself. 9. For weddings, she sports a mini jasmine garden on her head and wears silk saris in the Madras heat without lookin! g too uncomfortable while you are melting in your singlet. 10. She thinks Mohan Lal is the sexiest man alive. 11. Her favourite cricketer is Krishnamachari Srikkanth. 12. Her favourite food is dosa though she has tried North Indian snacks like Chats (pronounced like the slang for 'conversation') 13. She bursts into songs with her cousins in every movie. 14. She bores you by telling you which raaga each song you hear is based on. 15. You have to give her jewellery, though she has already got plenty of it .. 16. Her thali (Mangal Sutra) weighs more than the championship belts worn by WWF wrestlers. 17. She is more educated than you. 18. Her father thinks she is much smarter than you..
Toh kaya Bolte Ho EAST AND WEST Bhartiya Ladki Ke Bare mein ???

What will Mr. Gate reply for this mail?

Dear Mr Bill Gates,

This letter is from Banta Singh from Punjab. We have bought a computer for our home and we found problems, which I want to bring to your notice. After connecting to internet we planned to open e-mail account and whenever we fill the form in Hotmail in the password column, only ****** appears,but in the rest of the fields whatever we typed appears, but we face this problem only in password field. We checked with hardware vendor Santa Singh and he said that there is no problem in keyboard.Because of this we open the e-mail account with password *****. I request you to check this as we ourselves do not know what the password is.

We are unable to enter anything after we click the shut down button. There is a button 'start' but there is no stop button. We request you to check this. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friend clicked 'run' has ran up to Amritsar! So, we request you to change that to sit so that we can click that by sitting.

One doubt is that any 're-scooter' available in system? As I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home. Also there is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot for tracing the key with this 'Find', but unable to trace. Is it a bug?? And Last not the least there is 'Help' in Main menu its of no use. since it happened a day before yesterday My elder father was suddenly having loose motion so at mid night we tried to find the help ,but we failed. I will be very thankful to you and your team if u fix the matter. looking forward for your reply

Regards

Banta singh

The best of all, take time to read this.......... ha ha ha.....

The teacher asked,"Singh Jr. what is your problem?"
Singh Jr. answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade.My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
Ms Neelam had enough. She took Singh Jr. to the principal's office.
While Singh Jr. waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.
Singh Jr. was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Singh Jr.: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Singh Jr.: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, "I think Singh Jr. can go to the third-grade."
If you don't feel embarrassed please read further...
Ms Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions.
Can I ask him ?" The principal and Singh Jr. both agree.
Ms Neelam asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Singh Jr., after a moment "Legs."
Ms Neelam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Singh Jr.: "Pockets."
Ms Neelam: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Singh Jr.: "Pants"
Ms Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Singh Jr.: Coconut
Ms Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Singh Jr. was taking charge.
Singh Jr.: Bubblegum
Ms Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Singh Jr.: Shake hands
Ms Neelam: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Singh Jr.: Yep.
Ms Neelam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Singh Jr.: Tent
Ms Neelam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.
Singh Jr.: Wedding Ring
Ms Neelam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Singh Jr.: Nose
Ms Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Singh Jr.: Arrow
Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement? Singh Jr.: Firetruck
Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u dont get it u have to use urhand. Singh Jr.: Fork
Ms Neelam: What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse? Singh Jr.: TALK
Ms Neelam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Singh Jr.: SURNAME
Ms Neelam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?
Singh Jr.: HEART.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,
"Send Singh Jr. to DelhiUniversity, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

Thoughtfull question......

In some remote village of India, one masterji isteaching the Mahabharat katha to class 6 students. He is at the krishnajanma' part of it.
Masterji:"Kansa heard the akashwani that his sister's 8th child is going to killhim. He was furious. He ordered to put vasudev n devkibehind the bars. First son is born, and kansa kills him by poisoning...Second one is born n kansa throws him off the mountainpeak. Third one is born."
Now Ramu, who is smartest of the lot, putsup his hand. Masterji, I have a doubt (sounding nervous n confused)
Masterji: "Ramu bete, whole India does not have doubtin Mahabharata then how come u have one?"
Ramu : Masterji, if Kansa knew that Devaki's 8th child was going to kill him, WHY THE HELL DID HE PUT VASUDEV AND DEVAKI IN THE SAMECELL ?
Masterji fainted.......

Politically Correct Jokes

1
The prime Minister of China called President Bush to console him after the attack on the Pentagon:

'I'm sorry to hear about the attack.It is a very big tragedy. But in case you are missing any documents from the Pentagon, we have copies of
everything.'


============ ========= ========= ========= =====

2
Musharraf calls Bush on 11th sept:

Musharraf: Mr President, I would like to express my
condolences to you. It is a real tragedy. So many people, such great bldgs.. I would like to ensure that we had nothing in connection with that...

Bush: What buildings? What people??

Musharraf: Oh, and what time is it in America now?

Bush: It's eight in the morning.

Musharraf: Oops...Will call back in an hour!

============ ========= ========= ========= ====

3
Vajpayee and Bush are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the bar man, 'Isn't that Bush and Vajpayee?'

The bar man says 'Yep, that's them.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Hello, what are you guys doing?'

Bush says, 'We're planning world war 3'

The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'

And Vajpayee says, 'Well, we're going to kill 14 million Pakistanis and one bicycle repairman.'

And the guy exclaimed, 'A bicycle repairman?!! !'

Vajpayee turns to Bush and says, 'See, I told you no-one would worry about the 14 million Pakistanis!'

============ ========= ========= ========= =====
4

Pakistani on the moon:

Q: What do you call 1 Pakistani on the moon?

A: Problem...

Q: What do you call 10 Pakistanis on the moon?

A: Problem...

Q: What do you call a 100 Pakistanis on the moon?

A: Problem...

Q: What do you call ALL the Pakistanis on the moon?

A: ....... Problem Solved!!!

============ ========= ========= ========= =====
5
A man is! taking a walk in Central park in New York . Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog.

He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.

A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: 'You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers:

'Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl'.

The man says: 'But I am not a New Yorker!'

Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning:

'Brave American saves life of little girl' the policeman answers.

'But I am not an American!' - says the man. Oh, what are you then?'

The man says: 'I am a Pakistani!'

The next day the newspapers say: 'Extremist kills innocent American dog '

My gift to you

The Genuine Consequence

Marc Faber: International commentator and celebrated contrarian investment guru.
Dr. Marc Faber concluded his monthly bulletin (June 2008) with the Following:
''The federal government is sending each of us a $600 rebate. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money goes to China. If we spend it on gasoline it goes to the Arabs. If we buy a computer/Software it will go to India. If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala. If we purchase a good car it will go to Germany. If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy. The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced in US. I've been doing my part ."

The naughty ones

1. There are 3 Male and 1 Female pencils in a box.
The Female pencil got pregnant!! Which Male pencil is responsible?
THE ONE WITHOUT THE RUBBER.

2. Woman in bed with husband's best friend, phone rings! 'YES'.. OK, BYE'.
She turns to her lover and says,
THAT'S MY HUBBY, SAYS HE'S NOW GOLFING WITH YOU.

3. Three Roosters: normal, retarded and a gay.
Normal : cock-a-doodle-dooo !!!
Retarded : doodle-cock-a-dooo !!!
Gay : any-cock-will dooo !!!

4. Three Guys were introduced to a girl. Hi,....
I'm Peter, not a SAINT.
I'm Paul not a POPE.
I'm John not a BAPTIST...
The girl replied..
Hi.. I'm Mary, not a VIRGIN.

5. Girlfriends are appetizers. Taste good at any time.
Mistresses are Tomyams. Hot and spicy. Eaten frequently.
WIVES are Maggie. Eaten when there's nothing to eat.!!!

6. Income Tax office asked a Prostitute why she puts her occupation as CHICKEN FARMER.
She replied: I RAISED 5,000 COCKS LAST YEAR.!!

Mathematic magic

259 x (Ur age) x 39

Try it & U will be amazed by the results

Hiring Tricks

HOW TO RECRUIT THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB?

Put about 100 bricks in some. Particular order in a closed Room with an Open window.

Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door.
Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze
the situation.

If they are counting the bricks. Put them in the accounts Department.

If they are recounting them..put them in auditing .

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in engineering.

If they are arranging the Bricks in some strange order. Put them in planning.


If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in operations .


If they are sleeping, put them in security.


If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in information technology.


If they are sitting idle. put them in human resources.


If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved,
put them in sales.

If they have already left for the day,put them in marketing.


If they are staring out of the Window, put them on strategic planning.



And then last but not least.

If they are talking to each Other and not a single brick Has been Moved.

Congratulate them and put them in top management.

My Selections

I get lot of amusing forwarded mails from my friends. I thought, I should share the best of them.

I wonder, whether this blog will mask my other two blogs.........

However, Let's enjoy......